Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
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My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
went fishing caught a bass
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy