Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

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He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.


I don’t always whoop.

But when i do.. there it is


Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.


THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing


My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.


[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.


Is it still illegal to run someone over with your car if they’re wearing camouflage?


ME: [swimming with dolphins]
AQUARIUM ATTENDANT: Security! Yeah, he’s back again


Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew