He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
You Might Also Like
I don’t always whoop.
But when i do.. there it is
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Is it still illegal to run someone over with your car if they’re wearing camouflage?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
ME: [swimming with dolphins]
AQUARIUM ATTENDANT: Security! Yeah, he’s back again
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew