Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
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Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
sensitive skin
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”