Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
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awkward
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Seems legit
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
fr
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.