“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
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My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?