Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
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If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone