If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
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Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
As soon as I get to a party, I start saying goodbye; that way I’m out of there within 4 hours.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
*gets caught making stupid faces at baby*
What? He started it.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Me: Good night Moon
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???