(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?

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If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?


Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.


I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are


As soon as I get to a party, I start saying goodbye; that way I’m out of there within 4 hours.


Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one


*gets caught making stupid faces at baby*
What? He started it.


My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.


Me: Good night Moon


Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!


Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.


Deadpool was Green Lantern

Batman was Daredevil

Captain America was Human Torch

And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???