(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
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My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.