Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
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6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.