[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
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Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Finished stitching this today 😇
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”