Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
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Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
classic mixup
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Who.
Did.
This?
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!