@jwoodham

Don’t let people tell you that life after college is nothing but being poor and tired. It’s 100% true, but it’s more fun if it’s a surprise.

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@neonwario

Ah yes. I’ve linked my Twitter to my WordPress, and my LinkedIn to Klout. Now it’s time to interface my Acura ILX with a giant redwood

@AnExocticBeach

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: Are you seeing anyone?
Me: Unfortunately.
CW: Then why are you dating her?
Me: No, I meant you’re standing in front of me.

@GoldenSpirals

He told me I was the “bee’s knees”.
I believe I merit being compared to something more like a lemur’s femur.
Who doesn’t love Zoboomafoo?

@1Happytwit

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

@KentWGraham

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

@TheToddWilliams

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.