“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
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I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.