Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
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teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Haha good job!!
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
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me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith