@squirrel74wkgn: Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you...I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
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@djdarrellripley: Doctor: You need a kidney transplant. Me: A transplant? Dr: Don't worry, I've never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried. Me:
@ElKnuckelhombre: Damn, i got hit with the "we need to talk" from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
@Gupton68: Me: Excuse me Waiter: Yes? M: The wine’s corked W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager *gets struck by lightning
@thecrabbyhook: Sometimes I like to spend my Sunday afternoon being screamed at by a 5 year old for eating the sandwiches I made for her imaginary friend.