Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
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Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?