At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
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Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
y’all just mad because i’m leaving the club with a beautiful woman, thanks again mom for picking me up i really appreciate it
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*