Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

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Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.


Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.


I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.


Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this


I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.


The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.


[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet


Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.