@AimeeHelene1

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

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@SpankMeIm0ty

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

@10InchesPlus

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

@notviking

y’all just mad because i’m leaving the club with a beautiful woman, thanks again mom for picking me up i really appreciate it

@AbbyHasIssues

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

@voguetony

me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents

@MBittersweet25

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

@chuuew

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

@lloydrang

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*