@thombodytolove

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

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@JarodNotJared

Its the little things that bring the most joy – Like sneaking a home pregnancy test in the shopping cart of a mom/daughter combo & observing

@momsense_ensues

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

@Quartzjixler

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

@nachosarah

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

@Cheeseboy22

I saw this heartwarming video of baby bears climbing out of a dumpster and thought, “Who would throw away a perfectly good baby bear?”

@sucittaM

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

@batkaren

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

@batkaren

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

@0point5twins

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.