don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
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My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad