@kcmoore51

Don’t like me? You’ll come around.

– Onion Rings

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@Jaywoo74

If you don’t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you’re probably the boss

@farleftcoast

The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.

@3sunzzz

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

@TheAlexP

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

@BisHilarious

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

@Gupton68

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

@Fickle_Filly

Me:
1. Talking cats
2. Real lightsabers
3. Cars that fire missiles

Genie: Put me back in the bottle and give me to someone normal.

@sip_at_home_mom

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

@doublewenis

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.