Don’t like me? You’ll come around.

– Onion Rings

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If you don’t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you’re probably the boss


The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.



Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine


Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.


One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment


I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.


1. Talking cats
2. Real lightsabers
3. Cars that fire missiles

Genie: Put me back in the bottle and give me to someone normal.


Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.


Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.