@faungirl123

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

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@deadstick_ron

Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?

Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.

@ninjadinosaur1

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

@CarouselMouse

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

@WilliamAder

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

@sixfootcandy

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

@hardlyrelevant

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

@RickAaron

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

@Midgetspar

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

@StellaRtwot

I bet you the first person to invent puzzles was a woman that ripped up a picture of her husband.

@HatfieldAnne

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”