Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
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My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you