I’m going to give you the best advice you could ever receive: if a raccoon rings your doorbell, DON’T ANSWER IT!
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I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
You’re nice, cute & single?
Can you introduce me to your friend who looks like he’d never return my texts? Yeah the one with the girlfriend.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you hear Juan you’ve heard Jamal.
The 6 types of sex
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
ME: [screaming into the void]
THE VOID: please untag me from this thread
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said, “I wanna watch.”