I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
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cause of death:
autopsy.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.