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*tries to get a life.
Life: I have a girlfriend.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
Brings donuts to work because if I can’t be skinny neither can you.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Boss: why do you deserve this promotion?
Me: goes into very in depth pointless rant
B: what drugs are you on?
Me: good ones
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.