@TheMichaelMoran

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

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@grimpossible

Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.

@kwirkyKerri

Brings donuts to work because if I can’t be skinny neither can you.

@bencoffeehall

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

@TheSanch14

Boss: why do you deserve this promotion?

Me: goes into very in depth pointless rant

B: what drugs are you on?

Me: good ones

*leaves*

@theshantilly

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

@Juicedballs

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

@brentcetera

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

@dumbbeezie

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.