Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
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*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that