*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
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I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Bootstraps
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.