Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
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seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Chicken bread
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.