Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
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*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.