“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
You Might Also Like
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Xylophonist Shredding It
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
next question.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.