Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
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Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Boating season is upon us.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Bill is short for Billiam
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy