Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
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not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
apparently this year was written by stephen king
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?