@BoomBoomBetty

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

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@MunkMania

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@Moanhamed

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

@theprojectclub

Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?”

“Because your mum loves Easter and it’s an anagram of Easter”

“Thanks dad”
“No problem Alan”

@EndhooS

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

@MissHavisham

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

@psybermonkey

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

@ThaJawn

God: *holding a cat by its scruff* WHO MADE THIS?

Resentful Angel: I don’t know. You didn’t?

God: NO, it hates me and people

Angel: weird

@panmidwest

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no

@Bizarro_Mark

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.