Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

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It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.


Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”


Ancient Man: Out of water. Let’s walk 10,000 miles to a fresh continent.

Modern Man: Fridge is empty. Guess I’ll just die in my kitchen.


Random DM’s:

“Hi” – *blocked*
“Hello” – *blocked*
“Hi” – *blocked*
“Hey there” – *blocked*
*nudes* – *blocked*
“I have free snacks” – “Well hello there, soulmate!”


Don’t you hate when somebody gives you the finger in traffic and then you have to follow them home and loosen the lug nuts on their wheels.


Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie


doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived


Hi, is your resort child friendly?

Yes it is sir. Would you like to make a reservation?

*hangs up


“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.