Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
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I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.