POLICE CHIEF: They call him the copycat killer
ONE OF THE COPS (mocking tone): They call him the copycat killer
[everyone looks at him]
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
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This bank pen tastes like it’s been in a lot of other people’s mouths
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Me: how are you?
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Boss: What do you think happened here?
Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Sorry I totaled your car. I saw your kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud.