Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
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I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
emergency phone
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.