Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
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I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows