DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
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I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end