Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
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Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Why do meteors always land in craters?
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills