Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
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If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
New favorite tiktok
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.