@DrakeGatsby

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

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@Fred_Delicious

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”

Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

@HarmonyRambles

Me: But, the conditions are terrible..

CPS: For the last time, ma’am, we will not take your children. Your gonna have to hire a babysitter.

@TiaBarracini

I lost my husband two years ago and am thinking about dating again.

Does this bed seem too desperate?

@Cpin42

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

@cpabry

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

@mountain_ghosts

1995: the information superhighway will mean anyone can do anything from anywhere
2015: must be willing to relocate to San Francisco

@ShrinkMedia

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

@fro_vo

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

@RCKruseKontrol

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??