@nevernicethings

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

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@outsmartedmommy

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

@brittwastaken

There’s only two ways to do things: the easy way or the way I’m actually going to end up doing it.

@ClichedOut

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

@nbadag

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

@Shock_Monster

I get nervous about DM’s asking if it’s me in video because:

1. I drink.
2. I sometimes dance when drunk.
3. I’m always white when I dance.

@MonSwanson

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

@TheDreamGhoul

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here