I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
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I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.