The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
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My dad refused to dance at his own wedding.
Anyway this is quarantine day 5
There’s only two ways to do things: the easy way or the way I’m actually going to end up doing it.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I get nervous about DM’s asking if it’s me in video because:
1. I drink.
2. I sometimes dance when drunk.
3. I’m always white when I dance.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”