@nevernicethings

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

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@atanenhaus

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

@WorstCassie

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

@c12h22o11balls

The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad

@yenniwhite

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

@SirEviscerate

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

@Gupton68

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

@Gupton68

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

@MomofTeen

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

@QwertyJones3

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.