Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
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[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9