@BritXNic

Don’t mind me. Just over here shaking my phone like a Magic 8-Ball, trying to get the screen to rotate back.

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@funnybeachgirl

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

@Cheeseboy22

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

@RedRegenerated

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

@shawn_spree

My wife is still mad at me for that 20 minute blank stare I did when she asked me what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving day.

@LoriLuvsShoes

So I told my husband that I have a TC and he said, “that’s really cute. See if he wants to fund your shoe addiction”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

@PatsATweetin

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

@MrsJekyllsHyde

In the Walking Dead how and when does the cop guy find time to clean, iron, and press his uniform during the zombie apocalypse?