Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
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I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.