If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
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I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
“just sayin” who asked you though?
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Can’t stop laughing
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.