@SlayerSays

Don’t model myself after Marilyn Monroe, but having imperfections & dying naked in bed clutching bottles of pills & champagne seems doable.

You Might Also Like

@NASHterpiece

I’m glad it’s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.

@_cingraham

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

@drinksmcgee

[First day as a Doctor]

Me: Unfortunately, my first patient passed away today. It’s a harsh reality that we doctors have to face.
Patient: But… you’re a chiropractor…

@luckyshirt

I don’t eat animals because I object to how poorly they are treated and raised.

Which is why I eat well-loved children.

@BiIIMurray

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing for reference.

@joeljeffrey

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

@TheBoydP

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

@TheTweetOfGod

Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.

@idigcrazychics

Easiest way to break into a moble home in a trailer park is to use a can opener.