Don’t model myself after Marilyn Monroe, but having imperfections & dying naked in bed clutching bottles of pills & champagne seems doable.

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I’m glad it’s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.


So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.


[First day as a Doctor]

Me: Unfortunately, my first patient passed away today. It’s a harsh reality that we doctors have to face.
Patient: But… you’re a chiropractor…


I don’t eat animals because I object to how poorly they are treated and raised.

Which is why I eat well-loved children.


Every Olympic event should include one average person competing for reference.


Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.


Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…


Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.


Easiest way to break into a moble home in a trailer park is to use a can opener.