Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
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ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Note to self: I am a note
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
“i am a sweet baby”
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs