If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
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DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Our eyes met. Our hearts touched. He was the one. We fell in love. He used a flash mob to propose. I’m single now.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.