@RyansGooch

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

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@jokeymcjokeface

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

@Darlainky

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

@Snikoggs

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

@GrantTanaka

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

@Darlainky

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

@ComedicBust

Our eyes met. Our hearts touched. He was the one. We fell in love. He used a flash mob to propose. I’m single now.

@Anita_nap

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

@AmericanGent69

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.