Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
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“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine