Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
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Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.