FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
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I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Whoa 😂
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
hmmm
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked