Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
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*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.