@josh___grant

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

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@panmidwest

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

@lizzzzzielogan

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

@jamdugg

*in ambulance*

Me: Hey if I said you had a nice defibrillator, would you hold it against me?

Paramedic: (blushes) Nooooo…

Me: *dies*

@djdarrellripley

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

@juliussharpe

I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. “Guys, we’re all millionaires, none of this matters.”

@EyeSeeYou619

If dumping the last of your chips into the dip and eating it like cereal is wrong then I don’t wanna be right.

@Ideal_Victoria

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!