Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

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[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery


CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
CINDERELLA: im being abused
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit


*in ambulance*

Me: Hey if I said you had a nice defibrillator, would you hold it against me?

Paramedic: (blushes) Nooooo…

Me: *dies*


Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.


I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. “Guys, we’re all millionaires, none of this matters.”


If dumping the last of your chips into the dip and eating it like cereal is wrong then I don’t wanna be right.


My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!