Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
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[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes