Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
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I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Maths meets science
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.