Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
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“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
🙂🐾
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.