If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
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in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Trumpy Cat
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice