*don’t pick up . Don’t pick up. Don’t pick up*
~ me calling someone .

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I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?


“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks


Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.


Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*


Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?


You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”


After my tweet conversation with you, I delete everything I wrote so you look like a crazy stalker.


*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*


When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.