I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
*don’t pick up . Don’t pick up. Don’t pick up*
~ me calling someone .
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“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
for all #parents out there
After my tweet conversation with you, I delete everything I wrote so you look like a crazy stalker.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.