@chill_yoopill

*don’t pick up . Don’t pick up. Don’t pick up*
~ me calling someone .

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@TheFaldor

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

@mrsmith196645

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

@Fab_Mommy_

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

@KentWGraham

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

@Chhapiness

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

@cheeky__gal

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

@AaronBurdette

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

@Michael1979

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)