Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
*don’t pick up . Don’t pick up. Don’t pick up*
~ me calling someone .
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911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
The elderly almost never expect a leg sweep.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)