Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
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People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
peak technology
Selfie
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be