@PopeAwesomeXIII

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

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@PeterClayton6

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

@dksc4life

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

@SimplySnaccbar

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

@Midgetspar

On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they’re an 11. It’s a fun way to let them know they don’t exist and they take it as a compliment.

@TheOnion

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

@Home_Halfway

ME: I miss you

KIDNAPPER: Look. I got the ransom money, your family got you back. It’s done. Stop calling me.

@PickleRudd

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

@LoriLuvsShoes

I just saw a woman with a tremendous amount of make up and I was really tempted to use my finger and write “wash me” on her face

@MissyMooMorris

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

@donni

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.