Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

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[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!


*opens bag and reveals two penguins*


Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.


Someone a few houses over is having a party. I can hear the music and laughter and people enjoying themselves. I’m calling the damn cops.


“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”


Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.


Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.



[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know


I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong