@PopeAwesomeXIII

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

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@3sunzzz

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

@OneFunnyMummy

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

@markhoppus

Someone a few houses over is having a party. I can hear the music and laughter and people enjoying themselves. I’m calling the damn cops.

@shariv67

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

@eff_yeah_steph

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

@Zaufo

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

@MatCro

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

@dimplesticks

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong