*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
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I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they’re an 11. It’s a fun way to let them know they don’t exist and they take it as a compliment.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
ME: I miss you
KIDNAPPER: Look. I got the ransom money, your family got you back. It’s done. Stop calling me.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I just saw a woman with a tremendous amount of make up and I was really tempted to use my finger and write “wash me” on her face
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.