Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
You Might Also Like
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
🤔😂😂
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”